Things I've learned working at a bar...

-Waiting twenty minutes to get into a dive bar is just dumb.

-Always use an open stall when urinating. It only takes one drunken customer who sprinkles your shoe to learn that little gem.

-If someone says something dumb to me when I check their ID, they're statements are going to get increasingly less intelligent with every ensuing cocktail they pour down their throat. This is known at the Shhh-You're-Drooling-On-Yourself Paradigm.

-Seeing your customers away from the bar makes you think, “Who the fuck is having sex with these people?”

-The women's bathroom stinks just as bad as the men's.

-I still feel very fortunate that I get to write a column every week. I think my Mom is bribing my editors.

-Working at a bar doesn't necessarily equate to frequent, random sex. A girlfriend does.

-Roadhouse and Cocktail are the dumbest movies ever. and yet I still watch them.

-Even if you show me your boobs, I'm not giving you a free drink. But the rest of the bar appreciates your attempt.

-Not tipping = Bad karma. And pissed off bartenders.

-Friends and enemies come and go, but homeless guys will always smoke other people's cigarettes.

-Winning a bar fight is like getting free tickets to a Kenny Chesney concert. Even if you win, you're still really lame.

-Barroom intellectuals seem to gather strength and momentum if left to their own devices. It's best to fake a poop cramp and run away.

-My attention span has dwindled to sad proportions while bartending. Watching humans and their nocturnal predilection for booze begs the question of Darwin's sobriety.

-Hooking up in a bar is usually not such a hot idea. More than likely you're just another stop on her drunken carousel.

-It's usually a good idea to stay (somewhat) anonymous when you're out boozing in Encinitas. Having your friends read about your dumb ass can be hard on a fragile ego.

-If you're going to act like an asshole, people know you're full of shit.


Apparently it's quite evident that I've only gleaned a wee bit of wisdom during my tenure as a vodka jockey. Go figure. Then again, it's not like I learned that much in college either.

At least with this situation, my drinks are free...