December 3, 2008

You assholes...

The summer crowds have rushed back to work, and the college kids have stumbled back to their dorm rooms, which can only mean that those of us in the booze business are hitting a little bit of a slowdown. It happens pretty frequently this time of year, and to compensate, we use a variety of tactics to put your butts on stools.

A staple of barroom attraction was the immensely popular ladies night. This is where ten girls would attract seventy guys, and would therefore be inundated with feeble lines just to enjoy three dollar Cape Cods all night.

About four years ago, to our eye-rolling chagrin, two silly little men wanted to attract attention to themselves and and pretend like we care about their small, insignificant lives. They sued seven local nightclubs and bars because they felt that "Ladies Night" was discriminatory against men.


Are you trying to tell me that after years of going to bars with similar discounts boosting the attendance of the fairer gender, that these aging douchebags suddenly decided to file suit? Apparently these weenies are just upset because they have to pay five bucks at the door and it hurt their little feelings.

In reality, they're vermin attorneys, paralegals and saw a $125K payday. This was just another in a long line of legal shakedowns, and we all know it.

You whiny, pointless, frivolous, litigious little turds.

I'm sorry that women in general don't like either of you old, sad little me. Yes, you're laughed at by the opposite sex, but why do you feel the need to hurt your chances even further by killing ladies' night for the rest of us?

So I felt I should write a missive...

Neil and Bob (seems appropriate),

I'm sorry your mommy didn't breast feed you long enough. I'm sorry you had to take your cousins to the prom. I'm sorry you two still wear acid washed jeans and think Clay Aiken is a masculine role model.

I'm really sorry you both have a background in law because you're going to continue to muck up the legal system with inane lawsuits that allow the rest of the country to look at the Left Coast and chuckle...Oh, you stupid Californians.

I almost fell out of my chair when I read a statement by Erik Jenkins, an attorney for the whiners, who I presume tried his best to keep a straight face as he made comparisons between ladies' night discounts and discrimination faced by blacks in the south.


So, Mr. Jenkins, clearly what you're saying is that when I have to pay an extra couple of dollars at a club, it's akin to being attacked, intimidated, beaten, segregated and murdered by some inbred honkies in Alabama? Yeah, I may have a hangover and my wallet might be a little lighter, but I can't say that I've ever been put through the same tribulations as a black person in the south.

I've had guys give me a hard time about ladies' night in the past, but I just tell them to come into the bar in drag, and maybe I'll serve them a reduced priced cocktail. Which I won't, I just want to see a throng of cross-dressing daffy surfer kids walking around Encinitas.

Seriously if you're that destitute, then maybe you shouldn't be in the bar in the first place. Both the plaintiffs had professional occupations so I doubt they were counting food stamps at Von's. This is simply a cash grab and a way for them to graft money from people who actually have to work for a living, while they feebly grasp for their fifteen minutes.

Well, that and broadcast their names to thousands of women who'd now like to kick them square in the nuts.

So, we as a people strive toward an equal populace, where everyone has the same chance and men and women embrace blissfully in the flower-laden fields. Sorry to burst your bubble Sparky, but that only happens in Zoloft commercials, and you'd have to eat a handful before you buy all that crap.

There are going to be gender differences regardless. Did suing those clubs have a positive impact on gender relations in San Diego? No, of course not. One club actually went out of business because of it.

Eventually, this stupid situation will just go away and those two dingles will always be known as the men who took away ladies' night.

How's that for a legacy? Neil and Bob can tell their children that they battled demons and slew the dragons for the betterment of gender equality everywhere!

In actuality, their kids will realize their dads were just boring, greedy assheads that ruined a good time for everyone else.

When all is said and done, we need to be more personally responsible and concern ourselves less with other people's actions.

How does this lawsuit affect you personally? For most of you, I'm sure it won't make much difference. For me, and every person that works in a bar, it absolutely does. Very simply put: less women come in, therefore less men come in looking for them. Which means I make less money.

I wonder where this is leading though. What can of worms is this opening for other bars and nightclubs and the specials they use to entice people to patronize their establishment?

I think Neil and Bob should have just done that and left the rest of us alone.

December 1, 2008

...and this is the kind of moronic e-mails I have to deal with...

(This is a real e-mail I received from an obviously enlightened dongle with the cryptic email address

Mr Doorman! I was reading your article the other day and had a few comments!

In your article you came off very passive and then hit your
readers right between the eyes! I do not know if you really understand what is really going on with Prop 8? First of all, Since when is it's anyone's business what your sexual preference is or what YOUR taste is?

This is the problem with the GAY community! How come you never hear from STRAIGHT couples if they are straight or gay? Why don't you ever hear of STRAIGHT couples going around telling others what their personal preferences are or what they prefer! If gay people would read their bible and obide by what was written hundreds of years ago they would understand that Marriage was meant for a man and a Woman!

Why is it in almost all Gay relationships that one person plays a more dominant role and the other a more passive role? The reason is ! GOD made man to be a MAN and a woman to be a Woman! It is as simple as that! It really hurts me to see that not even 10% of our population tries to upset our Tradition that has made our country what it is today! It' usually the minority that tries to rule! I really feel the reason why their is such a huge problem with our Gay community is because most of all Gay people are very frustrated with their own physical or mental outcome! Believe me! All you have to do is read a little in the bible and you would understand this issue and not jump on the political band wagon and fuel this political fire!

In closing! If you do not believe in the bible or GOD! Please explain to me one thing! Explain to me WHAT ENERGY SOURCE KEEPS YOUR HEART CONTINUOUSLY PUMPING?

Thank You and have a great day!

November 22, 2008

Hippy Cars

Dear Prius Owners,

Thank you for doing your part to make the planet a better place. It’s nice to have a conscientious group of tree hugging tofu monkeys out there, willing to
drive a hunk of poo so that the polar bears aren’t forced to cannibalize each other. But I feel it’s time we addressed your means of transportation.

Your car looks like a cross between a hot wheels and a toaster. I mean, it’s Ugly. Capital YOU. That whizzing, whirring pile of moving parts looks like a shoe...unfortunately it’s your car.

I’m sure you get looks from the ladies when you pull up to a red light, your pony tail whipping in the wind as you rev your engine...only to have your car make a sound like a robot getting a boner.

It’s not like driving a car with batteries and gasoline is any safer for the
driver either. A sardine can with flammable liquids and charged coiling plus a
person behind the wheel wit
h way too many grande soy macchiattos in their blood
can only mean carmageddon...and even hippy blood spills red on the asphalt.

And not to bash hippies, but I’m going to and who doesn’t just love making
fun of them. With your hackey sack circles, hemp necklaces, and your undying
love of folksy double entendre bumper stickers.

Oh look, it says CO-EXIST, in all different religious symbols on the back of
your Prius. How...cute. And trust me, with your stinky closet full of Bush
hating T-Shirts you got from Hot Topic, you’re sure to land that barista at the
Daily Grind. You know, cause Starbucks is just soooo corporate and poopy.

Trashing the president is like beating a soccer mom with a baseball bat. It’s
fun at first, but then they’ll probably find some way to arrest you for it.

What I’m saying is that we’re all very proud of you for choosing to drive a
car that gets great gas mileage but please don’t break your arm patting yourself
on the back.

We get’re a great eco-warrior, battling the world’s oppressive hold
on our wallets, chaining us to the gas pump, raining down woe and destruction,
kicking puppies, punching babies, blah blah blah.

If you could just do all of that over there in the slow lane, we’d all
appreciate it...

November 12, 2008

Prop 8

You hate gay people.

They’re quirky and yucky and they make you feel uncomfortable.

It’s okay to admit that you’re a homophobe.

You try not to be “that guy”, but you have a couple of drinks and then use the word “fag” in a passing sentence about people you don’t agree with.

It’s just a joke. Who cares...right?

They’re different. They don’t see the world like you do. Their flamboyant lifestyle is a minority belief and they chose to exist within the dalliance of an alternate existence. It’s embarrassing and goes against all that you’ve been raised to believe in.

Their lifestyle is a stereotype like any other statement by a stupid moron too lazy to actually discover the truth.

Honkey’s can’t dance, do math or be cool. Asian’s can do math but can’t drive. Black people love watermelon(So do I ). Middle Easterners own convenience stores.

Does that make things easier for you? Do you feel better putting everyone in a little box?

Oh wow, I forgot to tell you...they’re just like you by the way.

No difference, no change, and nothing separates them from you other than a biological imperative and your smug/snug hold on your bible.

A bible that means just as much to them as it does to you by the way, except they have to be exceptionally Christian and forgiving to accept the fact that people in their own congregation disagree with their lifestyle. Just because of a worthless book of fiction...written a thousand years ago by sad, small-minded men whose sole intent was to control people with a wee understanding of the world around them.

In a word, they feared difference. If it skewed from their comfort zone, it was sin and was to be punished.

If you think a gay man or lesbian intentionally chooses to be different and ostracized by society at large, then you’re just as dumb as the men that wrote the bible.

They want to live their life like the rest of us...liberated of governmental interference, societal exile, and with a feeling of freedom from prejudicial judgement. Weird huh?

So when you voted for Proposition 8, what you’re saying is that you’re upset about people that are only slightly different than you, yet they should not enjoy the same legal, financial and moral benefits that you live with every day.

Proposition 8 says that according to the California constitution, two consenting American citizens can’t get married. Even though they love each other and are in a committed relationship. Even though heterosexual relationships are flailing at about a 70% failure rate in California.

Of course the religious right and those silly Mormons were bound to show up and throw their sacred-underwear-wielding cash into the mix. Even though they’re based in Utah, they donated millions to a proposition in California to keep things traditional.

You know like slavery was traditional. And internment camps were traditional. And separate bathrooms, sitting in the back of the bus, and how it was traditional for women to stay barefoot and pregnant and couldn’t vote until suffrage.

Yeah, tradition has been wonderful for America...

November 5, 2008


Well, here you go President-Elect...we gave you the reins. Now it's your turn...

October 21, 2008


Barack Obama:
Columbia University - B. A. Political Science with a Specialization in
International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J. D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B. A. in History and B. A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J. D.)

John McCain: United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Sarah Palin: Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B. A. in Journalism

Education isn’t everything, but this is about the two highest offices in
the land as well as our standing in the world.

You make the call.

October 16, 2008

Third debate for President of these United States...

Well, I'm sorry...but McCain looked angry, irritated, mystified and perplexed. He was outclassed, ill prepared, and obviously the eloquence of the debate danced towards Senator Obama.

Trust me, both parties are a rapid fucking joke. They neither represent me, nor anyone I know but unfortunately I have to vote for Obama to cancel out my Dad's vote.

Simple as that. Obama/Biden can do less harm than McCain/Palin.

Today's Empires/Tomorrow's Ashes...

Strap in folks...the next four years are gonna get bumpy..

October 9, 2008

Listen to Bad Religion...

Early man walked away as modern man took control.

Their minds weren't all the same, to conquer was his big goal,

So he built his great empire and slaughtered his own kind,

Then he died a confused man, killed himself with his own mind.

Hmmmm....sound familiar? And that was released over 25 years ago...

October 8, 2008

Palin is an Idiot

Seriously, let's see how many hits I get on my blog by saying that Sarah Palin is an idiot. I'm just curious
how many people are thinking the same thing I am.

September 12, 2008

Here I come Washington!

I’m running for office!

Considering the current state of politics in our perpetually polarized little nation state, I feel it’s time I officially announce my candidacy for the office of Mayor/Czar/Supreme King Ruler of our little hamlet known as Encinitas.

Contrary to most of the e-mails I receive, I’m not a complete low brow mouth breather. I realize I’ll have to start at the local level before I can move on to attaining a seat in the senate. Yet I also know I’m going to have to join either the ‘Pubs or the ‘Crats...since you can’t make any real difference in this world until you declare your allegiance to one of our archaic Jackass and Dumbo sideshow parties.

Since John McCain and the Grand Ol’ Party (that even sounds racist) have finally lost their collective marbles, along with their campaign hopes, in choosing Alaskan Governator Sarah Palin, I don’t think I’d like to join their crusade. There’s just too much pent up sexual tension and when you add extreme right wing evangelicals to the mix, only bad things can come of it.

When I first read about their decision to tap the uber-Christian mother of five, I thought it was a joke. I’d never even heard of the woman who looks like that naughty schoolmarm from those late 80's Skin-O-max flicks that were only shown at 4AM.

Then there’s the Democrat's nominee, the neophyte senator from Illinois whom in his early days was fond of smoking weed and doing cocaine. His vice presidential choice, Joe Biden, was near dead last in his college class, and was 76th in a class of 85 in law school and somehow finagled four deferments from the draft during the Vietnam war.

Then again, John McCain is no scholar. He graduated 894th out of 899 students at the Naval Academy. He also managed to crash four planes but at least he didn’t hide from the war.

Back in Encinitas...the first mission would be to take the mayoral seat away from Jerome Stocks. Or maybe I can start by sneaking in under the guises of a council member.

Let’s see who I can replace first...whoa! Apparently James Bond is a member of the Encinitas city council? Well, forget that one then. I’m not going to risk getting double O-kicked in the face.

That leaves Dan Dalager, Deputy Mayor Maggie Houlihan, and Teresa Barth. But the problem with taking their position is that they are real public servants. Civic minded people who’ve stepped forward to make their community a better place.

I just kinda wanna abuse my power, siphon funds into my bank account, and maybe smile for pictures and kiss a couple babies (if necessary) before I jet off to Washington D.C. and really begin enjoying the spoils of a political career.

I don’t even know where to start. Is there even a local election process? And when can I start earmarking public funds for my junkets to Las Vegas or spend the tax payers money for my own morally bankrupt reasons? Since when did rules apply to politicians?

In reality, I have to believe that people initially get into politics in an effort to improve the lives of their constituents. But as they progress towards bigger offices and expanded territories, it seems they get a little sidetracked and lose their way.

So let’s take a few minutes to look at politics on a grass roots level, where you can still sit in on meetings, the people are tangible and actually care about what’s happening around them.

Oh, and vote for me in the next election! If there is one...

September 2, 2008

Governor Palin's Daughter

So, politics is a big shit sandwich that we're force fed every day. At this point both candidates care about nothing but themselves and prolonging their brief stay of power.

But the big glossy drama lately is VP choice Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter's pregnancy.

Okay, we all know what happened and while glaringly hypocritical in the face of Republican's "Family Values" platform (and not to mention a huge whoops about preaching abstinence), let's remember this is still just a kid in high school whose face is now thrust onto the national media scene. Small minded people with their snide remarks and hateful comments aren't doing anything positive and only stand to make current politics more disgusting that it already is.

Let's just focus on the our sad choice of inutile candidates and the issues, not the unfortunate choice of Palin's daughter.

June 25, 2008