March 25, 2009

Shhh...they're all around us....

If you don't read this column, then you're not doing your part as an American.

Baseball, your Mom (YES!), and shiny red apple confections aren't pushing our nation to be a beacon of hope, strength and commerce to our broke ass brethren.

They're among us. If you can't see them, you're either implicit or too laconic to see them.

You're un-American if you can't see how quickly they've infiltrated every facet of our culture. They've become a vile greenish brown swath of heathens, bouncing meandering paths of slip and slither.

We scour our culture at ever facet to find you. We know where you are and what you're planning.

Your enterprising push towards making us a weaker nation has been blown apart by those that care about the United States.

You pretend to care about who we are, yet flail arrogantly in a public forum about the "greater good". I'm tired of shielding my face and dampening my voice from your jingoistic trail of a pursuant fiscal path for the greater good of our country.

Eff you Thin Mints.

Kiss my ass, Dulce De Leche-you're in America now...speak Spanglish you communist bastard.

Samoas...I don't even know what that name means. But you have coconut, therefore it's my job as to hate you. could you do that. Peanut butter? The culinary paste that holds our raisins onto our celery? That's low, you sick bastards...

By now my editors are struggling to find words to replace the disallowed list I'm not supposed to fling into my column when I'm describing Girl Scout cookies.

But I thought it was time someone said something about those pig-tailed terrorists, marching their way up and down my street, squeezing bits and pieces out of my mortgage that I don't have, to pay for things I don't want...only to lead me to medical conditions that I don't expect.

Isn't that the definition of a domestic terrorist? Spreading fear and disrupting the very fabric of societal existence that helps us to be productive citizens? There's also another term to describe that: Cookies.

Though what is life without those small circles of molten caramel and gooey pastry? Or those little chocolate medallions of minty magnificence? Yes, I know...Girl Scouts hate Americans along with Fox News, but I can't help myself and find it generally pointless to resist.

Just for those of you who haven't figured out sardonic tone yet: Girl Scout cookies aren't good for you. They have about a thousand million calories per box. If you eat three sleeves of those scrumptious little disasters, you might want to schedule an angioplasty the next day and scrape that crud out of your arteries.

But I'm still going with the anti-American terrorist vibe for the Girl Scouts. Come on, you seriously don't see it? The uniforms, the beret's? The attack-dog tactics at grocery stores? Until we stand up in unity, they will continue to bombard us with their guilt speech and tasty heart disease in a box.

Viva la Oreo!