December 17, 2009
During our most recent STORMWATCH 2009, the tan and spoiled denizens of southern California had the pleasure of enjoying a little bit of weather. A dash of wind and a pinch of precipitation to wash away the sins of our indulgence and blithe expectation of perfect weather that we enjoy daily.
About ten minutes before I'm set to leave for work, I notice that my back fence seems to enjoy the weather so much that it's dancing back and forth, twisting at the will of its windy partner. At which point I do the homeownerly thing and brace the fence with boards I find lying about in my garage. Where did I get the boards you ask? Not important to the story, pay attention...
A couple of wistful to and fro's, and my back fence decides to belly flop backwards towards the street. I watch in mock TV horror...mouth agape..as I simultaneously drop a long, drawn out F bomb in front of my not yet two-year-old daughter. She looks up at me with a disapproving smirk that I'm afraid I'll see for the rest of my life.
Then I'm forced to engage in a roundabout jousting of insurance company, HOA and hungry holiday contractors who all want to royally screw me for the holidays. Here's how it breaks down...
So I called USAA and let them know that the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster has since decided that I should have a better view of Hope Elementary school by flattening my back fence. They told me to get off my lazy arse and get a few quotes to fix my fence. Apparently, homeowner's insurance does work! Minus a painful kick-to-the-groin deductible that is.
The next step is calling every fence company in the local vicinity to come out and pretend like I'm going to pay them to fix my fence. I feel they all know I'm only courting one fence fixer, and they each do the minimum amount of work to produce a quote. Eff you customer service!
HOA (Hypocritically Objectionable Assholes):
I've been succinctly clear about my feelings towards Homeowner's Associations. In my obviously one-sided opinion, they're all scum of the earth lowlifes who take money to do nothing positive for a community. I appreciate that they don't let my neighbors paint their house orange with purple trim but do they really need authoritative control over my choice to put a white vinyl fence in my backyard as opposed to a wood fence? How exactly does that dilemma fall to a group of people that don't live in my neighborhood? If it was my choice, I'd make every single person employed by an HOA viciously fired and then forced to get a real job and stop leeching off of people who own a home or condo. And yes, I'll take my soapbox with me when I go...
As much as I'd like to say there's a conclusion to this sad windy affair, alas, there is not. I'm still waiting on the five different fencing companies to share their property bordering insights with me and my homeowner's insurance. Then I have to beg and plead with my worthless HOA for permission to fix my fence the way I want to.
Hopefully then I can submit said paperwork to my insurance company and then...finally then, I can have a back fence up again...just in time for next winter's storm.
November 18, 2009
October 11, 2009
"I was very disappointed in your bartender - "I don't want to name him". He not only disrespected and embarrassed me in front of my wife, but actually threatened me and would not give me the name of the manager or the owner. I definitely felt violated tonight. I am a 37 year married man and could not believe what happened to me tonight. I actually tried to contact you the owner, but would not give me your name or number. He told me that he new who I was and where I lived because I paid with my credit card. I am now contacting my attorney as I have filmed the most of the confrontation."
and my response..
To Whom It May Concern... I'm the bartender that you're speaking of in your review of 1st Street Bar. Let me take this opportunity to respond to the allegations you made against myself and the establishment.
The entire situation can be summed up with my choice to stop serving you because I felt it was unsafe to do so. I was neither rude nor confrontational, and as I do with any customer I stop serving, I told you quietly and to the side so as not to embarrass you in front of other customers. I even gave you the option to stay and continue playing pool, if you so chose.
Instead, you decided to attempt to coerce another customer into unknowingly buy you another cocktail. At that point, I politely reminded you that you'd been cut off, at which point you became belligerent, so I offered to get you a taxi cab and told you calmly and quietly that it was in everyone's best interest that you leave the establishment.
Cut to 15 minutes later with you calling the bar no less than 14 times to file complaints against myself and the doorman working that night. With each call, you made another false claim against myself and the security professional working the door.
At one point, you claimed that I kicked you out of the bar because you were dating my ex-girlfriend. Which is strange because you're married and my ex-girlfriend lives on the east coast. The SD Sheriff's department was called (by you) because you made a claim that the doorman and I were threatening you with violence and that we planned on "beating you the next time we see you out in the surf", which was an odd thing to fabricate seeing as how neither of us surf.
As for embarrassing you in front of your wife...that must have been done at your home because you were by yourself in the bar, and also alone when you came back with a video and digital camera to "document the harassment" you faced at the bar.
To the claim about not giving you the owner's contact information, yes, I absolutely did not do that. It's against protocol and isn't something they deal with on that level. I did however give you the name of my manager and his contact information.
As to knowing where you live...no I have no clue other than your claim of being a "local" and living up the street. Yes, we do know your name because you paid with your credit card and the fact that you called 14 times and your name was stored in the caller ID.
I hope this addresses some of the concerns you have and I also hope this illuminates what actually happened that night and doesn't sway other people from coming in and enjoying themselves at the bar. Unfortunately, this is just another byproduct of dealing with certain patrons who can't control themselves nor accept responsibility for their actions.
October 7, 2009
September 11, 2009
While you're logging on, buying all the accoutrements and gushing about how wonderful they are...make sure that you buy six or seven battery chargers for said laptop...because that is the greatest scam that I've ever seen. I'm on my THIRD charger now and I've had my Dell laptop for about three years.
So...yeah. I'm buying a Mac. Dell can go fuck itself.
June 4, 2009
Let me just start out by saying that if you've liked reading my column in the past, then you most likely won't like this one.
Though I'm not a bitchy liberal or brain-dead conservative, you might think I'm the devil incarnate for voicing the things I'm about to press on with. That being said, proceed with caution...
I'm going to start off by saying that this column isn't going to make anyone smile. It's not going to be funny, or pithy or sarcastic. It might make you think, but it's also going to paint me into a corner that I'm still not sure I want to stand in. But writing a column means expressing your opinion, regardless of how unpopular that opinion is.
Though I hate conservative Republicans with a seething devotion, I have to say...with a grim apologia mind you... I think I agree with some of the things they have to say about immigration.
Here's where your mouth drops open and you can't believe I'm siding with disgusting, close-minded brainless assholes.
Those sprightly portions of thought going through your head right now are mostly right. I'm not sure where I joined the fold either, but I know the thoughts I have are definitely my own.
Don't get me wrong, when it comes to religion or their idiotic hatred towards science, I think they're a bunch of old men who've closed their eyes towards rational thought and just prayed to get reelected.
But pretending I feel otherwise would be lying to myself...
Okay, in a nutshell...here's the issue: If you want to be an American citizen, then do it legally. Simple, right? Go through the appropriate process, respect the necessary course of action and appreciate the procedures that we've put in place to make sure you're here for the right reasons.
"But what about all the people who are struggling to make a better life for themselves?"
Here's what they won't tell you...we all want a better life. It's how the world works. But our society is governed by rules, and I don't rob banks, steal from work or put myself above the law just because I feel it would make a better life for myself or my family.
Here are another set of rules: If you want to be an American, then you have to follow the same laws as every other single immigrant to the United States and not listen to opportunistic attorney's looking to make a name for themselves by making a case for illegal immigration.
Here is the infuriating, I'm-annoyed-for-having-to-include- this-caveat-in-my-column: NO. I don't care what color you are. If you're from Sweden. Tough shit...enter legally. If you're from England. Tough shit...enter legally. Canada? I couldn't care less about how much poutine you try to bribe me with. Your skin color means less to me than the disgusting politicians who're pretending they care about you obtaining citizenship.
Procedure is there for a reason. Walking through airport security in a suit and holding a briefcase is the same to me as jumping a fence and hoping I.C.E doesn't catch you gliding illegally into our country.
When it comes down to it, I have a simple homework assignment for you. Try to legally, without a student visa, find a job in another country without bringing either boatloads of money or a very specific (I.E needed) skill that the country needs to further its infrastructure. Trust me, I tried. They shut you down without cause, care or compunction...completely.
Though it's popular meme to utter and it feels like the right thing to say in our political climate...illegal immigration is still just that: illegal.
I know I sound like an evil, cold-hearted troll for actually writing what I feel, but that's exactly what my column affords me...the ability to freely speak my mind, regardless of what your opinions are.
So I'm asking you to think about the words you've just read. Some of you will agree, and some of you won't. I'm fine with that.
But ask yourself...if your first act as an American is breaking the law, do you really deserve to hold that title?
May 8, 2009
With all the panic about the economy lately, it sure is nice of Mexico to help divert the attention away from our sickly bank accounts with something that could potentially remove the upright, two legged swine from the planet.
The more television I watch or newspapers I read about the subject, it seems like they're just trying to sell more ad space. When the loopy folks that rely on Fox News start trying to understand terms like pandemic, zoonotic, H1N1, people tend to get paranoid and stock up on canned goods, water and shotgun shells to eventually fend off the oinking zombies that are sure to shuffle across the countryside.
The media only recently began calling it the H1N1 influenza because the pork industry was upset and felt like it was getting a double helping of bad publicity. Really? I'm not a pig farmer or nutritionist, but I'm fairly certain that any product that comes from Babe the Pig isn't going to be good for me.
Isn't that part of the deal we have with our curly tailed brethren? We look past the sleeping-in-their-own-poop, and they let us enjoy parts of their body with scrambled eggs and toast.
Is this their version of a P-I-Jihad against the humans for cannibalizing them for centuries? Pigs and jihad. How ironic...who knew Muslims had a legitimate reason for hating ham? They somehow knew around 622 A.D. that the hogs would someday weaponize their flu bug and spread it to the planet via pig farmers. Yeah, when pig's fly...
Wait..pig's flying...swine flu...flew?!?! I knew it!
But seriously, when it comes down to dealing with this sort of scary bogey man media blitz, it's always a pretty safe bet to take a step back and review the situation with a clear head before making any impulsive decisions regarding holing up in a bunker, stocking up on canned goods and waiting for the Miss Piggy epidemic to eradicate a third of the world's population.
Science and rational thought have gotten us through more that a few health issues over the years. Let's trust the doctors and scientists to do their jobs while we remain calm and take appropriate precautionary measures.
Plus, bacon comes from pigs and everyone loves bacon, right? So how bad could this be?
Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahhaha...ha..hahaha...oh wait? You were serious about that?!?
That's what I thought when I heard about the impending discussion regarding lowering the drinking age in the United States.
Apparently, there's been a debate raging in the past few years about lowering the legal drinking age from 21 to 18. Over 100 university presidents from well-known stiff-twig universities like Dartmouth, Duke, and Ohio State are all on board saying that they think by lowering the age three years, it will persuade college students to drink in moderation.
I heard drinking Drano and punching yourself in the nuts is a good idea too.
As a libation professional who has a distinctly strict reality when it comes to alcohol and social behavior, I'm going to go ahead and vote that you're a mental deficient if you think that's a good idea.
Shocking as it may seem, the youth of America are at best obnoxious and ill-informed. Now when intimate with the actual possibility of giving them LEGAL access to alcohol and local watering holes that help them ascend to the level of "wasted idiot", then yeah, kudos...you did a great job protecting our nations youth.
Can you imagine graduation day from San Dieguito Academy? How exciting! Caps gathered and thrown into a bag with rumpled gown, replete with tassels and frills from a high school career since matured.
Instead of going to a handful of parties, our fresh faced grads filter down to the local bars and do their best to ring in a new era of their adult life by drinking themselves into a blackened oblivion punctuated by arrest sheets, public intoxication, and an ignorantly naive hope that someone isn't going to die as result of drinking and driving.
Unfortunately, these kids don't know the first thing about responsibility or a life lived without Mom or Dad's hand on their every movement.
So, on graduation day, guess what I would tell every single one of my security personnel? Do not, under any circumstances, let anyone under the age of 21 into the bar. And we have every right to do so with a simple sentence that is every lawyer's dream...
We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Or if they wanted to get creative, I'd ask the doorman to make something up, lie, I really don't care what it would take...but there's a bottom line here folks: Regardless of age, I really don't want someone in the bar who can't control themselves and yet I think that's the definition of a high school graduate. Someone who has yet to understand the appropriate parameters for controlling one's self.
...And here comes the gigantic hypocritical portion of my argument: I think that America should start letting their children drink even younger.
If you've had a beer when you're twelve, then I have a succinct feeling that you also know how to handle your intake of alcohol and understand the adverse affects of over-indulging.
Put simply...if you don't start letting your children sample a sip of beer or a taste of wine at the dinner table while they're growing up, then it's only going to thirst their taste of the forbidden when they're nearing the age when they can actually do damage to themselves or others.
Suds or vino, booze and aperitif..it's all relative culturally. We do our best to protect our children, but at what cost? I've been to enough places around the world to know that we're sadly behind the rest of the planet in maturity and a social understanding that moderation and experience is what helps us to make an informed decision.
Maybe we just need a few drinks to catch up with the rest of the world. Might help us realize it's not all bad, unless you tell us it is...
April 1, 2009
Like I've said more than a few times...if there is a God...which I'm pretty sure there isn't...
Please tell him to hit: CTRL-ALT-Delete
We're a failed experiment, too greedy to continue...and too pervasive to end of our own accord.
March 25, 2009
Baseball, your Mom (YES!), and shiny red apple confections aren't pushing our nation to be a beacon of hope, strength and commerce to our broke ass brethren.
They're among us. If you can't see them, you're either implicit or too laconic to see them.
You're un-American if you can't see how quickly they've infiltrated every facet of our culture. They've become a vile greenish brown swath of heathens, bouncing meandering paths of slip and slither.
We scour our culture at ever facet to find you. We know where you are and what you're planning.
Your enterprising push towards making us a weaker nation has been blown apart by those that care about the United States.
You pretend to care about who we are, yet flail arrogantly in a public forum about the "greater good". I'm tired of shielding my face and dampening my voice from your jingoistic trail of a pursuant fiscal path for the greater good of our country.
Eff you Thin Mints.
Kiss my ass, Dulce De Leche-you're in America now...speak Spanglish you communist bastard.
Samoas...I don't even know what that name means. But you have coconut, therefore it's my job as to hate you.
Tagalongs...how could you do that. Peanut butter? The culinary paste that holds our raisins onto our celery? That's low, you sick bastards...
By now my editors are struggling to find words to replace the disallowed list I'm not supposed to fling into my column when I'm describing Girl Scout cookies.
But I thought it was time someone said something about those pig-tailed terrorists, marching their way up and down my street, squeezing bits and pieces out of my mortgage that I don't have, to pay for things I don't want...only to lead me to medical conditions that I don't expect.
Isn't that the definition of a domestic terrorist? Spreading fear and disrupting the very fabric of societal existence that helps us to be productive citizens? There's also another term to describe that: Cookies.
Though what is life without those small circles of molten caramel and gooey pastry? Or those little chocolate medallions of minty magnificence? Yes, I know...Girl Scouts hate Americans along with Fox News, but I can't help myself and find it generally pointless to resist.
Just for those of you who haven't figured out sardonic tone yet: Girl Scout cookies aren't good for you. They have about a thousand million calories per box. If you eat three sleeves of those scrumptious little disasters, you might want to schedule an angioplasty the next day and scrape that crud out of your arteries.
But I'm still going with the anti-American terrorist vibe for the Girl Scouts. Come on, you seriously don't see it? The uniforms, the beret's? The attack-dog tactics at grocery stores? Until we stand up in unity, they will continue to bombard us with their guilt speech and tasty heart disease in a box.
Viva la Oreo!
February 15, 2009
It's my day off. Or...one of my days off. A Thursday. Whatever.
As I take attack upon my keyboard, I don't really have much to say in terms of another socio-political rant. I'm also tired of talking about the fetid mongoloids that come into the bar. I felt I was entitled to let loose a little bit. Become that person that I so loathe in my establishment.
I decided to just drink Ketel One and Hornitos. From the bottle. This may or may not be a cry for help.
My plan was to keep drinking until I thought of something funny to write about. And I haven't. So, I just kept drinking. Which, in and of itself became kinda funny.
So, I tried to keep a mental log of my thoughts and activities. By mental log, I mean what I extracted through the addled haze. I refuse to accept responsibility for the authenticity, because my blood alcohol hovers somewhere near an Irishman on St Patrick's Day.
9:17PM: I'm really bored and have almost next to nothing to do. I decide I'm going to have a few cocktails. I hear the baby next door start crying. I tell myself it's only a coincidence.
9:39PM: I fart so loud, I hear my neighbors laugh. Which in turn makes me laugh and turns into a machine gun anal outburst. Apparently I have no shame. Or class. I head to the toilet just in case.
10:06PM: Being just above functionally retarded, I decide to pour myself another shot and a sip from the bottle. This is the beginning of The Decline toward infantile behavior. Again.
10:21PM: I talk to a Jewish friend online and ask him about an anti-semitic slur on TV. He says he's never heard of it. I spend the next twelve minutes using that term in various permutations associated with his name. I no longer have a Jewish friend.
11:04PM: After missing my mouth and dumping my drink into my lap, I go downstairs to make myself another cocktail. I discuss the finer points regarding Padres ace Jake Peavey's pitching mechanics and my belief that he may be heading for elbow surgery. With Bubba. A yellow lab.
11:44AM: While watching an episode of Three's Company about Jack Tripper growing an mustache, I consider growing a push broom over my upper lip. I have a feeling I've developed brain damage.
11:59PM: I watch a docudrama about Def Lepppard on VH-1. I remember a joke. What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard. I'm a jerk.
12:07AM: I call my younger brother Chris to tell him he's an asshole for hitting me with a wiffleball bat when he was nine. He sighs and tells me to grow up. I vow revenge.
12:19AM: I spend fifteen minutes discussing Jake Peavey's career and his obvious path towards the Hall of Fame. I rail on about his seemingly impervious ability to avoid injury. Bubba licks his butt. I personally feel I won the debate.
12:42AM: As I'm walking downstairs, I flub the last few steps and eat it at the bottom. After I'm finished laughing/cursing, I walk to the kitchen to make another drink and stub my toe on the fireplace. Sailors should take notes on how to curse from my tirade.
1:07AM: I convince myself I can speak Swahili. I also convince myself I should start a movement towards speaking this African language. I call my friend in Colorado. He tells me I should hit myself in the head with a rock. Pencil him in as secretary of defense for my cabinet.
1:34AM: Stumble and bumble my way to the restroom. I cringe at the hideous creature in the mirror and make my way to the toilet. I'm not going into detail, but suffice to say my aim wasn't spot on.
10:04AM: I wake up on my floor. My TV is showing a sneering Kevin Bacon in Footloose and my laptop sits dutifully next to my head. I'm not sure how I got there. I do have a sneaking suspicion why I feel like a bag of ass though.
Oh Hornitos..I thought you were my friend. E Tu, Ketel One?
January 31, 2009
I was going to write something pithy and topical about Barack Obama ascendinghis golden chariot to his place in political and world history. Alas, I'm lazy and didn't want to actually do any research.
This is also known as being negative and condescending.
While everyone else is going nuts and applauding like a bunch of mental patients who found a bag of Skittles, I tend to lean away from popular opinion like it's a befouled diaper and look at things from a more realistic
First things first...I'm sure he'll have to change the White House doorbell from "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer", to something a little less offensive...like Barry Manilow or Celine Dion. Actually, from what I could
gleam off the Googles, Obama has Frank Sinatra, the Rolling Stones and Kanye West on his playlist. Not too shabby, except for Kanye West. He's a delusional prick.
And since I brought up vanity...even though Rush Limbaugh is begging and hoping for Obama to fail, he's secretly ecstatic because our new presidentsingle-handedly rejuvenated his stagnant, boorish,Oxycontin snorting life by giving him something to direct his simple-minded, vitriolic
The incoming tenant of the big honky house is going to be forced to walk around each of the 35 bathrooms and throw away GW's copies of Maxim magazine, and I'm sure the daft cowboy will be very sullen when his
subscription to US Weekly is canceled. Fortunately,I hear that he will continue in W's consistent use of Ann Coulter's books as toilet paper. So at least those trees didn't die in vain...
little diatribes at while drooling on himself during his radio show.
Now that I think of it, it's no wonder all those bumbling republican talking heads like Hannity,Glen Beck, and Micheal Reagan have radio shows. Their audience is quickly shuffling into their 70's and like to reminisce about sitting next to the radio when they were kids.
Same goes for Alan Colmes, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann and the rest of
the left leaning loons. To me,they're just another seeping crew of vapid,
smarmy media blowhards who really only care about their ratings and seeing
their face on the boob tube fighting the great evil known at the conservative
Because at it's core, that's what politics is: People with money and power telling you what you can or can't do because they think it's best.
Here's to hoping Barack Obama lives up to the hype and actually does something positive for the people of this country, instead of lining the pockets of his smooshbag friends like our dimwitted and incompetent 43rd president did.
Here's to high hopes and good riddance...