November 22, 2008

Hippy Cars

Dear Prius Owners,

Thank you for doing your part to make the planet a better place. It’s nice to have a conscientious group of tree hugging tofu monkeys out there, willing to
drive a hunk of poo so that the polar bears aren’t forced to cannibalize each other. But I feel it’s time we addressed your means of transportation.

Your car looks like a cross between a hot wheels and a toaster. I mean, it’s Ugly. Capital YOU. That whizzing, whirring pile of moving parts looks like a shoe...unfortunately it’s your car.

I’m sure you get looks from the ladies when you pull up to a red light, your pony tail whipping in the wind as you rev your engine...only to have your car make a sound like a robot getting a boner.

It’s not like driving a car with batteries and gasoline is any safer for the
driver either. A sardine can with flammable liquids and charged coiling plus a
person behind the wheel wit
h way too many grande soy macchiattos in their blood
can only mean carmageddon...and even hippy blood spills red on the asphalt.

And not to bash hippies, but I’m going to and who doesn’t just love making
fun of them. With your hackey sack circles, hemp necklaces, and your undying
love of folksy double entendre bumper stickers.

Oh look, it says CO-EXIST, in all different religious symbols on the back of
your Prius. How...cute. And trust me, with your stinky closet full of Bush
hating T-Shirts you got from Hot Topic, you’re sure to land that barista at the
Daily Grind. You know, cause Starbucks is just soooo corporate and poopy.

Trashing the president is like beating a soccer mom with a baseball bat. It’s
fun at first, but then they’ll probably find some way to arrest you for it.

What I’m saying is that we’re all very proud of you for choosing to drive a
car that gets great gas mileage but please don’t break your arm patting yourself
on the back.

We get’re a great eco-warrior, battling the world’s oppressive hold
on our wallets, chaining us to the gas pump, raining down woe and destruction,
kicking puppies, punching babies, blah blah blah.

If you could just do all of that over there in the slow lane, we’d all
appreciate it...

November 12, 2008

Prop 8

You hate gay people.

They’re quirky and yucky and they make you feel uncomfortable.

It’s okay to admit that you’re a homophobe.

You try not to be “that guy”, but you have a couple of drinks and then use the word “fag” in a passing sentence about people you don’t agree with.

It’s just a joke. Who cares...right?

They’re different. They don’t see the world like you do. Their flamboyant lifestyle is a minority belief and they chose to exist within the dalliance of an alternate existence. It’s embarrassing and goes against all that you’ve been raised to believe in.

Their lifestyle is a stereotype like any other statement by a stupid moron too lazy to actually discover the truth.

Honkey’s can’t dance, do math or be cool. Asian’s can do math but can’t drive. Black people love watermelon(So do I ). Middle Easterners own convenience stores.

Does that make things easier for you? Do you feel better putting everyone in a little box?

Oh wow, I forgot to tell you...they’re just like you by the way.

No difference, no change, and nothing separates them from you other than a biological imperative and your smug/snug hold on your bible.

A bible that means just as much to them as it does to you by the way, except they have to be exceptionally Christian and forgiving to accept the fact that people in their own congregation disagree with their lifestyle. Just because of a worthless book of fiction...written a thousand years ago by sad, small-minded men whose sole intent was to control people with a wee understanding of the world around them.

In a word, they feared difference. If it skewed from their comfort zone, it was sin and was to be punished.

If you think a gay man or lesbian intentionally chooses to be different and ostracized by society at large, then you’re just as dumb as the men that wrote the bible.

They want to live their life like the rest of us...liberated of governmental interference, societal exile, and with a feeling of freedom from prejudicial judgement. Weird huh?

So when you voted for Proposition 8, what you’re saying is that you’re upset about people that are only slightly different than you, yet they should not enjoy the same legal, financial and moral benefits that you live with every day.

Proposition 8 says that according to the California constitution, two consenting American citizens can’t get married. Even though they love each other and are in a committed relationship. Even though heterosexual relationships are flailing at about a 70% failure rate in California.

Of course the religious right and those silly Mormons were bound to show up and throw their sacred-underwear-wielding cash into the mix. Even though they’re based in Utah, they donated millions to a proposition in California to keep things traditional.

You know like slavery was traditional. And internment camps were traditional. And separate bathrooms, sitting in the back of the bus, and how it was traditional for women to stay barefoot and pregnant and couldn’t vote until suffrage.

Yeah, tradition has been wonderful for America...

November 5, 2008


Well, here you go President-Elect...we gave you the reins. Now it's your turn...