So, the 99% and 1% shtick had its dime and half in the limelight. Fox and MSNBC have beat the shit out of the subject. I've really tried to care. Honestly, I have. But it necessitates choosing between stinky hippies or rich assholes.
But if applied correctly, and to the apropos situation, I feel those "US OR THEM" themes tend to gain purchase on the rest of us.
By this I mean my rant was honed sharp by serving the asshead customers on St Patty's day. Or St. Paddy's. Or whatever the fuck spelling you need to get you through the day.
Most of you understand that its a pointless holiday dreamt up by Diageo and Pernod Ricard ad execs (Hint: There never were snakes in Ireland). It's just a reason for asshole white folks to wear green and drink Jameson. Then puke green, bro-hug their buddies and end the night by quietly sobbing into a plate of carne asada fries.
Anyway, here's the tie in: 99% of you get it. By that I mean, you understand how to maintain and behave yourselves in a social setting. Some examples include: please and thank you, waiting patiently, having your means of payment and a general idea of what drinks you'd like me to make for you and offer a gratuity as if it wasn't a foreign concept.
I'd like to thank you. From the bottom of my dead, black heart, I thank you. You've obviously been raised by human beings with a thought towards courtesy and humanity and not by fecal-chucking Bonobos.
For the asshole 1%: I can't describe the things I think about you and your obviously devolved lineage when you saunter up to the bar. Usually while wearing a hoodie. Inside the bar. When it's not raining. Or cold outside.
(quick side rant: If you don't wanna tip, fine..don't. It happens and we understand that it's a part of the industry. We've all been broke. Shit happens. But don't lie and say you didn't know you were supposed to tip. Or make up some bullshit "poor service" excuse as to why you tipped $2 on $40. Then you look dumb AND fucking cheap. End rant)
Seriously, fuck you. You're an idiot.
Your entire existence just screams eugenics. When you call me "Chief", "Bro", "Dog", "Homey", or "My N****, I wanna pay a hobo to take a dump on your forehead. And just because you've heard of Lil' Wayne and know a black guy in the dorms...doesn't mean you can use the N word or any variation of it. It just means you're a soulless dipshit, with very thinly-veiled smatterings of racist Whisky Tango mixed in.
Oddly enough, these brainless slugs come in two genders.
The women are almost as bad as the dickheads who're trying to gain access to the $200 pair of jeans that Mommy and Daddy bought them for passing their Chem 202L class.
Here's a direct kernel of truth for you: You Are Not Pretty Enough to Be That Rude. Asking for a free drink because you flop out your gelatinous boob will guarantee a look of disgust and most likely a quick exit from the establishment.
Or just asking what's for free because you decided to spackle on a few paint-roller applied sessions of foundation and mascara will mean that you're A. Cheap and B. Won't be Tipping. Nothing is free. Asking for a free drink only guarantees you will not get one from me. Look up the terms, "self-control", "class" and "tact".
Here are two terms that will buy you heaping gobs of appreciation and understanding from any bartender or server: Please and Thank You. Simple as that. I will routinely buy a few drinks a night just because someone has used common courtesy and said please and thank you. Do I expect it? Fuck no. Most of these mouth-breathing misanthropes have no concept of "other people", so I've learned to set the bar very low.
But I also don't think my white ass belongs on a pedestal, with white lilies and golden coins of yore placed at my feet. It's a service job, and I'm there to make the customer happy. But I'm not a servant. That's where some of your 50 year-old bitter assholes and 25 year-old seventh-year seniors feel I belong...groveling and begging for your spare change.
Both are wrong.
So it boils down to common courtesy folks. I make my living and provide for my family by catering to your whims. But let's be honest, if you can't be a normal human being and get along with staff and customer alike, you'll be out the fucking door. Bro.