June 16, 2010

    As I awoke this morning to my daughter's siren's serenade of "dadaaaa", my tired smile turned to horror as I caught a whiff of what I thought had been month old roadkill. 
Alas, it was not. 

    With my daughter Samantha turning two recently, I thought I might share small bits of wisdom that I've gleaned over the years that might help her out in her young little life. 
    Or she'll most likely read this in ten years and tell me I'm lame and should get a life. Yes, I'm sure of the latter...and I'm not sure I disagree. 

    Do...as I say, not as I do. 
    Do not...eat M&M's with beef jerky with hot sauce for breakfast. 

    Do...eat those disgusting Pop Tarts I put on your plate. Or jam them in your ear. I'm sure they have the same nutritional content either way. 

    Do...continue to use the cute words that make me want to squish you into a pile of lavender smelling blond curls. And eat those Pop Tarts...they're not cheap. 

    Do not...mimic the words that Dad uses when he's fixing just about anything around the house. Its bad enough when you say the word "truck" in public and people glare at me like I'm the devil, let's not hone your ability to enunciate. 

    Do...read every single book you can get your hands on. This includes the Bible because it's funny, sad, and scary at the same time. 

    Do not...read tabloids. Fake boobs, money, and shiny cars seem to be the sum total of what they're pushing. It's like Del Mar. Except in Del Mar, you don't have to be literate to be sucessful. 

    Do...watch as much Fox News as possible.

    Do not...stop laughing as you watch those silly sycophants try to make their silly doctrine make sense to anyone who's under the age of 60. 

    Do...pretend that children's statue across from Leucadia Pizza isn't frighteningly creepy. 

    Do not...GO NEAR IT. Ever. If you are the lunatic that designed that bronze monstrosity.. go away. It's awful and passersby cringe and wonder why you hate kids. 

    Do...remember that going to college is an important right of passage and a logical step upon high school graduation. 

    Do not...think that every person with a college degree is intelligent. It only means they stayed within a certain discipline and finished what they started. They are by no means smarter than anyone else. 

    Do...go to bars and restaurants. Enjoy yourself and don't forget that waiters, waitresses, servers, bartenders, and hosts aren't slaves to cater to your every whim. If you think that, you're most likely brain dead and beyond help. 

    Do not...forget that the waitstaff will kill you where you stand. Seriously, we will kill you. Know the rules and don't be rude or your service will be non-existent. 

    Do...remember that your Dad is and always will be vehemently overprotective. 

    Do not...take everything he says as gospel. He's scared and cautious when it comes to his daughter and just wants you to avoid all the problems he had to deal with. 

    Fine...you can have beef jerky for breakfast. Just don't tell Mom.

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