Hippy Cars

Dear Prius Owners,

Thank you for doing your part to make the planet a better place. It’s nice to have a conscientious group of tree hugging tofu monkeys out there, willing to drive a hunk of poo so that the polar bears aren’t forced to cannibalize each other. But I feel it’s time we addressed your means of transportation.

Your car looks like a cross between a hot wheels and a toaster. I mean, it’s Ugly. Capital YOU. That whizzing, whirring pile of moving parts looks like a shoe...unfortunately it’s your car.

I’m sure you get looks from the ladies when you pull up to a red light, your pony tail whipping in the wind as you rev your engine...only to have your car make a sound like a robot getting a boner.

It’s not like driving a car with batteries and gasoline is any safer for the
driver either. A sardine can with flammable liquids and charged coiling plus a
person behind the wheel with way too many grande soy macchiattos in their blood
can only mean carmageddon...and even hippy blood spills red on the asphalt.

And not to bash hippies, but I’m going to and who doesn’t just love making
fun of them. With your hackey sack circles, hemp necklaces, and your undying
love of folksy double entendre bumper stickers.

Oh look, it says CO-EXIST, in all different religious symbols on the back of
your Prius. How...cute. And trust me, with your stinky closet full of Bush
hating T-Shirts you got from Hot Topic, you’re sure to land that barista at the
Daily Grind. You know, cause Starbucks is just soooo corporate and poopy.

Trashing the president is like beating a soccer mom with a baseball bat. It’s fun at first, but then they’ll probably find some way to arrest you for it.

What I’m saying is that we’re all very proud of you for choosing to drive a
car that gets great gas mileage but please don’t break your arm patting yourself
on the back.

We get it...you’re a great eco-warrior, battling the world’s oppressive hold
on our wallets, chaining us to the gas pump, raining down woe and destruction,
kicking puppies, punching babies, blah blah blah.

If you could just do all of that over there in the slow lane, we’d all
appreciate it...

Prop 8

You hate gay people.

They’re quirky and yucky and they make you feel uncomfortable.

It’s okay to admit that you’re a homophobe.

You try not to be “that guy”, but you have a couple of drinks and then use the word “fag” in a passing sentence about people you don’t agree with.

It’s just a joke. Who cares...right?

They’re different. They don’t see the world like you do. Their flamboyant lifestyle is a minority belief and they chose to exist within the dalliance of an alternate existence. It’s embarrassing and goes against all that you’ve been raised to believe in.

Their lifestyle is a stereotype like any other statement by a stupid moron too lazy to actually discover the truth.

Honkey’s can’t dance, do math or be cool. Asian’s can do math but can’t drive. Black people love watermelon(So do I ). Middle Easterners own convenience stores.

Does that make things easier for you? Do you feel better putting everyone in a little box?

Oh wow, I forgot to tell you...they’re just like you by the way.

No difference, no change, and nothing separates them from you other than a biological imperative and your smug/snug hold on your bible.

A bible that means just as much to them as it does to you by the way, except they have to be exceptionally Christian and forgiving to accept the fact that people in their own congregation disagree with their lifestyle. Just because of a worthless book of fiction...written a thousand years ago by sad, small-minded men whose sole intent was to control people with a wee understanding of the world around them.

In a word, they feared difference. If it skewed from their comfort zone, it was sin and was to be punished.

If you think a gay man or lesbian intentionally chooses to be different and ostracized by society at large, then you’re just as dumb as the men that wrote the bible.

They want to live their life like the rest of us...liberated of governmental interference, societal exile, and with a feeling of freedom from prejudicial judgement. Weird huh?

So when you voted for Proposition 8, what you’re saying is that you’re upset about people that are only slightly different than you, yet they should not enjoy the same legal, financial and moral benefits that you live with every day.

Proposition 8 says that according to the California constitution, two consenting American citizens can’t get married. Even though they love each other and are in a committed relationship. Even though heterosexual relationships are flailing at about a 70% failure rate in California.

Of course the religious right and those silly Mormons were bound to show up and throw their sacred-underwear-wielding cash into the mix. Even though they’re based in Utah, they donated millions to a proposition in California to keep things traditional.

You know like slavery was traditional. And internment camps were traditional. And separate bathrooms, sitting in the back of the bus, and how it was traditional for women to stay barefoot and pregnant and couldn’t vote until suffrage.

Yeah, tradition has been wonderful for America...

Okay...

Well, here you go President-Elect...we gave you the reins. Now it's your turn...

Education

Barack Obama:
Columbia University - B. A. Political Science with a Specialization in
International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J. D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B. A. in History and B. A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J. D.)

John McCain: United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Sarah Palin: Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B. A. in Journalism

Education isn’t everything, but this is about the two highest offices in
the land as well as our standing in the world.

You make the call.

http://larrykinglive.blogs.cnn.com/2008/10/17/mccain-and-letterman-make-up-is-lkl-next/

Third debate for President of these United States...

Well, I'm sorry...but McCain looked angry, irritated, mystified and perplexed. He was outclassed, ill prepared, and obviously the eloquence of the debate danced towards Senator Obama.

Trust me, both parties are a rapid fucking joke. They neither represent me, nor anyone I know but unfortunately I have to vote for Obama to cancel out my Dad's vote.

Simple as that. Obama/Biden can do less harm than McCain/Palin.

Today's Empires/Tomorrow's Ashes...

Strap in folks...the next four years are gonna get bumpy..

Listen to Bad Religion...

Early man walked away as modern man took control.

Their minds weren't all the same, to conquer was his big goal,

So he built his great empire and slaughtered his own kind,

Then he died a confused man, killed himself with his own mind.


Hmmmm....sound familiar? And that was released over 25 years ago...

Palin is an Idiot

Seriously, let's see how many hits I get on my blog by saying that Sarah Palin is an idiot. I'm just curious
how many people are thinking the same thing I am.

Here I come Washington!

I’m running for office!

Considering the current state of politics in our perpetually polarized little nation state, I feel it’s time I officially announce my candidacy for the office of Mayor/Czar/Supreme King Ruler of our little hamlet known as Encinitas.

Contrary to most of the e-mails I receive, I’m not a complete low brow mouth breather. I realize I’ll have to start at the local level before I can move on to attaining a seat in the senate. Yet I also know I’m going to have to join either the ‘Pubs or the ‘Crats...since you can’t make any real difference in this world until you declare your allegiance to one of our archaic Jackass and Dumbo sideshow parties.

Since John McCain and the Grand Ol’ Party (that even sounds racist) have finally lost their collective marbles, along with their campaign hopes, in choosing Alaskan Governator Sarah Palin, I don’t think I’d like to join their crusade. There’s just too much pent up sexual tension and when you add extreme right wing evangelicals to the mix, only bad things can come of it.

When I first read about their decision to tap the uber-Christian mother of five, I thought it was a joke. I’d never even heard of the woman who looks like that naughty schoolmarm from those late 80's Skin-O-max flicks that were only shown at 4AM.

Then there’s the Democrat's nominee, the neophyte senator from Illinois whom in his early days was fond of smoking weed and doing cocaine. His vice presidential choice, Joe Biden, was near dead last in his college class, and was 76th in a class of 85 in law school and somehow finagled four deferments from the draft during the Vietnam war.

Then again, John McCain is no scholar. He graduated 894th out of 899 students at the Naval Academy. He also managed to crash four planes but at least he didn’t hide from the war.

Back in Encinitas...the first mission would be to take the mayoral seat away from Jerome Stocks. Or maybe I can start by sneaking in under the guises of a council member.

Let’s see who I can replace first...whoa! Apparently James Bond is a member of the Encinitas city council? Well, forget that one then. I’m not going to risk getting double O-kicked in the face.

That leaves Dan Dalager, Deputy Mayor Maggie Houlihan, and Teresa Barth. But the problem with taking their position is that they are real public servants. Civic minded people who’ve stepped forward to make their community a better place.

I just kinda wanna abuse my power, siphon funds into my bank account, and maybe smile for pictures and kiss a couple babies (if necessary) before I jet off to Washington D.C. and really begin enjoying the spoils of a political career.

I don’t even know where to start. Is there even a local election process? And when can I start earmarking public funds for my junkets to Las Vegas or spend the tax payers money for my own morally bankrupt reasons? Since when did rules apply to politicians?

In reality, I have to believe that people initially get into politics in an effort to improve the lives of their constituents. But as they progress towards bigger offices and expanded territories, it seems they get a little sidetracked and lose their way.

So let’s take a few minutes to look at politics on a grass roots level, where you can still sit in on meetings, the people are tangible and actually care about what’s happening around them.

Oh, and vote for me in the next election! If there is one...

Governor Palin's Daughter

So, politics is a big shit sandwich that we're force fed every day. At this point both candidates care about nothing but themselves and prolonging their brief stay of power.

But the big glossy drama lately is VP choice Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter's pregnancy.

Okay, we all know what happened and while glaringly hypocritical in the face of Republican's "Family Values" platform (and not to mention a huge whoops about preaching abstinence), let's remember this is still just a kid in high school whose face is now thrust onto the national media scene. Small minded people with their snide remarks and hateful comments aren't doing anything positive and only stand to make current politics more disgusting that it already is.

Let's just focus on the our sad choice of inutile candidates and the issues, not the unfortunate choice of Palin's daughter.

Thank God I'm an Atheist

Don't be an brainless idiot...

Intelligent design...

are you fucking serious? Come on, I know that most of you brainless fucks wanna believe in something that espouses the hilarious divine direction...but don't be a daffy asshole.

Seriously...grow up.read.and accept the truth.

Science triumphs Faith

um..okay...

Death...

As another birthday creeps along the calendar to find me, life and death usually pop their silly heads up and beg another conversation.

The final breath that walks us through our last steps towards what will continually be the original enigma. What happens after we die?

That’s the ultimate question. The quintessential quandary that we all shoulder on a daily basis. Our hesitating pulse about what comes after we let go of our last breath.


I’m guessing the Christians who are holding this are going to expect me to spew some wonderfully angelic missive about divine acceptance, bright lights, relatives, St Peter, and Pearly Gates.

Unfortunately kids, that’s Hollywood filling your heads with silly antiquated nuggets of pride and pompous allegations from an old book that still doesn’t make sense.

Being an agnostic on good days, and an atheist on most, I’m guessing death is akin to a long journey down a hollow black tunnel ending in a nice long nap. Also know as simply losing your consciousness. Unless you croak in some horrific accident or something. Yeah, try and avoid that.

Regardless of what every religious group wants you to think, we’re all just a bag of blood and bones. Sentient tissue that for some reason thousands of years ago, became aware of itself.

Now we fear death. And the worst part is we waste minutes of our life worrying about how it’ll eventually end.

Or even worse we spend time worrying about how our sack of flesh is going to be presented to our grieving loved ones. Personally, I don’t care what you do with me. But after watching CSI enough times,

I’d rather be torched and just dumped somewhere that I might have liked. Drop me off at BevMo, the pitcher’s mound, Stockholm, into my Mesa Boogie, Julian or even San Clemente.

And people are so distraught at funerals. I’d rather just have everyone show up at the bar and have a good time. I’ll come back and haunt all you assholes if you have some sappy memorial that involves heartfelt stories and tears.

Enjoy the fact that we were all alive at the same time and got to revel in sharing our space on earth. Tip your glass and have a good time. That’s my idea of a send off.


As dreadfully a cliche as it is to mention enjoying every day and telling those around you how much they mean to you, I’ll do it anyway. We’re only on this muddy rock for a short time. It’s up to you how you spend your consistently dwindling time here.

Work, bills, and stress will always be there for us to wear throughout life. Shed those gremlins and grab a smile occasionally. And try not to take yourself too seriously, because no one makes it out of life alive.

As I'm reading Paul's blog...

and I'm beginning to realize what a hypocrite I am for not even owning a bike anymore. What a douche....

Southern California burns...

If started off like any other day.

After having a post-shift drink and blathering about nothing of consequence with my doorman Ilich, I got into my Jeep and drove towards San Elijo Hills. I thought nothing of the night and only smiled inwardly at the thought of eating my turkey sandwich from 7-11 and getting some sleep before tomorrow nights shift.



I got a phone call from my roommate right about the same time I realized there were a few Carlsbad police officers blocking San Elijo Hills Road.



Evacuation.



We were told to leave. But how do you pack up your life within minutes? I didn’t even get that chance. I was turned away before I could gather any of my belongings.



That old question about what to pack if your house was on fire came in black comedic waves as I did my best to take a mental inventory of what I had in my Jeep and what I could possibly lose if the fire chose my direction.



So I had to quickly weigh my options. I could drive to my parent’s house, wake up various friends or co-workers, or I could stay at the Howard Johnson on Leucadia. Which I promptly did at $89/night.



Rubbing my eyes and clearing my sore throat after a horrible night of sleep, I peered outside my room to a jaundiced lilting haze that gave a surreal look to the trees as they bowed in the face of the wind’s enthusiasm.



Knowing I would never make it to my parent’s house in El Cajon without sitting in gridlock for three hours, I decided to poke around Encinitas.



The wind and ash made it tough to even be outside, and no one argued with my opinion. Downtown Encinitas looked like the set of a really smoky post apocalyptic horror film, replete with a yellow sun and crying dry winds.



So I went to 1st Street and did what anyone else would do in my situation. My manager Shaun and I called all the bartenders knew to come in and commiserate with us. With most of the businesses in the area closed, our community shelter replete with booze was soon a bustling little activity of commerce for those of us watching the 24 hour pyro pornography on all news stations.



With little or no sleep, I didn’t expect to work that night. I was wrong.



I instead had to serve all the scared, angry, distraught people who were evacuated from their homes or had lost their dwelling to the angry flames that danced through our little hamlet.



I also had to serve the jubilant(like myself) patrons who’s homes had been spared the fire and were lucky to still have a place to lay their heads at night.



The dichotomy between the groups was palpable, even if the booze blurred the line between the two. For them, and me.



This is something none of us will ever forget. No matter what paths our lives follow from this day forward, we all sat at the mercy of nature just when we feel indestructible. Cell phones, computers, satellites, internet and the like have a way of keeping us connected by separating us.



It’s times like these that help to remind us that we’re all in this together. Mother Nature picks and chooses our fates…we just deal with her decisions…

Powered by ScribeFire.

God...

I fucking hate religion...

Powered by ScribeFire.

Ya know why I hate politics...

One simple reason...it poisons people's minds. Good people get pushed in the wrong directions because of fear or hate...

Powered by ScribeFire.

My Buddy Paul...

Check out my friend Paul's blog....thought provoking, definitely worth reading, and I once saw the guy threaten to pummel an entire youth hockey team in Quebec. Gotta love him....

http://thenewamericancity.blogspot.com/

Powered by ScribeFire.

Billo

Seriously, how do you go on Bill O'Reilly's show and not wanna punch him in the face? He makes me fucking sick sometimes...

Vote Ron Paul...

Everyone else seems like a fucking lunatic compared to this guy...and the worst part..he won't even make a dent in race...

Powered by ScribeFire.

Milton Bradley is a GIGANTIC ASSHOLE

I'm so fucking tired of hearing that pompous asshole bitch and moan about how the whole world is coming down around him.

Take a wild guess why that is you stupid dick.

Because you're a child with no means to control yourself. I don't wish an injury on anyone, but don't blame that shit on the umpire. He might have agitated the situation, but you're the fucking nutbag who flipped out and tried to attack an official.

I don't condone Winters, but serious Bradley...grow the fuck up for once. Accept that you have serious impulse control/Ego issues and move on you self-centered prick...